Abstract: Influenced by cultural representations of “cougars,” society commonly imagines women who date younger men as challenging some of the gendered expectations regarding appropriate sexual desire and behavior. Based on 55 semistructured interviews with women ages 30 to 60 who date younger men, I explore how having younger male partners relates to women’s desire and ability to reproduce/disrupt the traditional cultural script for heterosexual sex. I found that compared to their experiences of sex with men of their own age or older, women perceived age-hypogamous intimate relationships as a context in which they can more easily disrupt some facets of that script, namely those regarding (a) the expression of sexual desire, (b) sexual assertiveness, and/or (c) the importance of female pleasure. However, the participants reproduced certain facets of the cultural sexual script, such as the emphasis on penile–vaginal intercourse. In light of women’s experiences, I show that younger men’s stamina and erectile capacities influenced women’s ability to challenge certain facets of the script. Furthermore, I argue that women’s perceptions of younger men as fantasizing about sexually experienced women altered the gender power dynamics, ultimately facilitating the modification of interpersonal sexual scripts. This study contributes to improving our understanding of the way age, age differences, and gender interact and influence interpersonal sexual scripts.
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Discussion
In line with some aspects of common cultural representations of cougars (Alarie, 2018; Aoun, 2013; Barrett & Levin, 2014; Collard, 2012; Kaklamanidou, 2012; Montemurro & Siefken, 2014), the women in this study presented themselves as confident, sexually assertive women with strong sex drives. Based on their accounts of sex with younger men, it appears that the sexual dynamic within age-hypogamous intimate relationships departs, to some level, from the traditional cultural script for (heterosexual) sex.
Indeed, age-hypogamous intimate relationships were depicted as a context where women are encouraged to present themselves as highly desiring and sexually assertive, and where they can easily ensure that their pleasure will be attended to.
This study shows that women’s ability to destabilize the traditional cultural script for heterosexual sex was facilitated in part by younger men’s stamina and erectile capacities. Most women talked about younger men’s high sex drive, sexual endurance, and reliable erections as facilitating their efforts to present themselves as highly desiring, to act on their sexual desires, and to ensure that they could reach maximal pleasure. Indeed, many women described being at times uncomfortable with acting on their strong libido when partnered with men their own age or older, as they perceived the risk of being criticized for being highly desiring and/or the risk of hurting a partner’s masculinity to be higher than in age-hypogamous intimate relationships.
Older participants’ discussion of how older men experiencing erectile dysfunction affects their sexual satisfaction resonates with contemporary research on the topic. Indeed, research shows that many women report that their partners’ erectile dysfunction has a negative impact on their sexual satisfaction (Cameron & Tomlin, 2007; Chevret et al., 2004). There is clear evidence that the likelihood of erectile dysfunction among men increases with age (Laumann, Paik, & Rosen, 1999; Rosen et al., 2004). However, one should note that only a minority (roughly 18% to 22%) of middle-aged men suffer from erectile dysfunctions (Laumann et al., 1999; Rosen et al., 2004). It is also worth reiterating that a man’s erectile capacities are not the sole factor contributing to women’s sexual pleasure (Armstrong et al., 2012; Hite, 1976; Koedt, 1973; Richters et al., 2006; Rostosky & Travis, 2000). In fact, studies show that not all women are happy to see penile–vaginal intercourse being reintroduced into their sex lives once their partners start using sexual enhancement drugs (Meika, 2004; Potts, Gavey, Grace, & Vares, 2003; Vares et al., 2007).
Based on women’s discourses, I also suggest that most women felt comfortable to disrupt certain aspects of the traditional script for (heterosexual) sex with younger men in part because they perceived younger men as preferring sexually experienced and assertive women with high sex drives. Indeed, many participants reported that their younger partners had complained about young women’s lack of sexual experience, lack of confidence, and/or passivity in bed. According to the participants, younger men often emphasized how pleasant it was for them to be with women who were confident in their own skins, who knew what they liked in bed and who were not afraid to say it.
Furthermore, a large portion of women felt that younger men were more open-minded with regard to sexuality, which made it easier for them to express their sexual desires and fantasies and to act on them. In comparison, many of the participants felt that men their own age or older were often uncomfortable or judgmental if women presented themselves as highly desiring, as having accumulated much sexual experience, and/or as interested in exploring unconventional sexual practices. With that in mind, most women felt it was easier to express their sexual desires and steer sexual interactions in ways that would increase their pleasure when they were with younger men.
The participants’ interpretations of younger men’s appreciation of sexually assertive women resonate with recent research on young men’s sexual desires and practices. Indeed, based on 32 interviews with young men aged 18 to 24 years old, Dworkin and O’Sullivan (2005) found that although the majority of young men tended to initiate sexual practices with their female partners, only some of them reported preferring male-dominated patterns of initiation. In fact, most young men indicated that their ideal sexual interaction would be one where the two partners shared the responsibility of sexual initiation, and one out of four young men actually preferred a female-dominated pattern of initiation. Other studies show that a large portion of young men wish their partners would take more initiative in signaling what they like in bed, such as asking them to perform clitoral stimulation or touching themselves if they wanted to (Salisbury & Fisher, 2014).
Overall, it appears that many younger men would prefer women to be more assertive in bed. While the dichotomized view of older versus younger women presented by the women in this study is arguably an exaggerated portrait of how aging affects women’s sex performances, the literature on young adults’ sexual practices supports, to a certain extent, these participants’ perceptions of young women. Indeed, research shows that young women are often too shy to ask men to do certain sexual acts that they enjoy (i.e., manual stimulation of the clitoris, cunnilingus) or to take the matter into their own hands and self-stimulate, especially in the context of casual sex (Backstrom et al., 2012; Salisbury & Fisher, 2014). Other research shows that most young women believe that it is men’s responsibility to physically stimulate women until they reach orgasm, and that they therefore often wait for men to provide them with pleasure (Salisbury & Fisher, 2014). Research on young women’s experiences of heterosexual sex also shows that many of them have insecurities about their physical appearance and that these body image issues influence their behavior during sex (Weaver & Byers, 2018). Ultimately, women’s (in)ability to assert themselves during sexual interactions with men has considerable impact on their sexual satisfaction, as communicating their desires and preferences plays an important role in maximizing their own sexual pleasure (Armstrong et al., 2012; Bridges, Lease, & Ellison, 2004; Ménard & Offman, 2009).
The participants’ depiction of younger men as particularly generous lovers also merits discussion. This result is particularly intriguing considering that previous studies depicted a rather disappointing portrait of young adults’ ability to reach an egalitarian dynamic with regard to female/male sexual pleasure. Indeed, many studies show that while young women often perform fellatio on men, it is much less common for young men to perform cunnilingus on their female partners (Armstrong et al., 2015; Backstrom et al., 2012; Lewis & Marston, 2016). There is in fact a well-documented gap between young men’s and young women’s frequency of orgasm during heterosexual sex (Armstrong et al., 2015; Richters et al., 2006). Therefore, one cannot conclude that younger men are inherently attentive and generous lovers in every context. Instead, based on women’s discourses, I argue that women’s perceptions of younger men as fantasizing about older women combined with women’s perceptions of young women as passive sex partners contribute to shifting the gender power dynamics at play during sexual interactions, ultimately facilitating women’s ability to renegotiate interpersonal sexual scripts with younger men. Women’s perceptions of younger men as fantasizing about older women provided women with more confidence in themselves, which then facilitated their ability to assert and enjoy themselves sexually.
It is worth highlighting that women’s appreciations of age-hypogamous sex was also influenced, especially in the case of women over age 40, by the perception of middleaged men as showing little interest in women in their own age bracket, a perception which is supported by empirical evidence (Alterovitz & Mendelsohn, 2009; Buunk et al., 2001; Conway et al., 2015; Pixley et al., 2007; South, 1991). For those who had recently divorced or separated and had felt undesired in the last years of their marriage or cohabitational relationship, the perception of younger men as fantasizing about older women felt particularly empowering.
This study shows that in a culture where aging is depicted as having a much stronger devaluation effect on women than on men (Carpenter, Nathanson, & Kim, 2006; England & McClintock, 2009; Wolf, 1991), younger men’s enthusiasm for older women’s sexual experience, confidence, and high sex drive has a particularly positive effect on older women’s ability/desire to renegotiate the terms of the gendered sexual script.
It is difficult to speculate on whether the participants’ younger partner’s (perceived) appreciation for older women will last as they age. It is unclear whether young men today are less likely to internalize ageist conceptions of women’s worth as intimate partners and therefore less likely than men from previous generations to prefer younger women to women their age once they reach middle age. The current study adds to the conversation by suggesting that younger men’s appreciation of older women is partly influenced by their (disappointing) experiences with women their own age and by their desire to have sexually experienced and confident sex partners. Arguably, as they advance in age and accumulate new experiences, these men’s sexual desires, preferences, and expectations might evolve. This area of inquiry definitely deserves more attention in the future.
One should note that while the women in this study challenged certain aspects of the traditional cultural script for (heterosexual) sex when partnered with younger men, they also reproduced other aspects of the script. For instance, the women in this study placed a great value on men’s erectile capacities, reproducing the idea that penile– vaginal intercourse is the most important part of the sexual interaction (Fahs, 2011; Fishman & Mamo, 2001; GewirtzMeydan et al., 2018; Vares et al., 2007). Furthermore, many women—mostly women in their 40s and 50s—saw the careful filtering of potential younger sex partners as a crucial step they had to go through to find men who would provide them with a respectful and pleasurable experience, one where they would not feel reduced to a sex object of temporary value. This last discourse highlights how gender power dynamics influencing heterosexual sex are not automatically removed because of an age difference between partners, and that women often feel like they must deploy strategies to avoid being potentially “used” by younger men.
It is also important to mention that, during their interview, most participants talked about the stigma associated with being read as a cougar, and that many expressed a certain level of caution with regard to how sexual they wanted to be perceived by others. Navigating the sexist and ageist conceptions of women’s sexuality appeared to be particularly challenging for women in their 40s and 50s, as they often seemed torn between their desire to present themselves as sexually empowered women and their desire to avoid being associated with negative cultural representations of cougars. Arguably, older participants’ fear of stigmatization is influenced not only by the cultural taboo for age-hypogamous intimate relationships but also by the cultural representation of female sexuality as more acceptable for the younger, more physically attractive, or childless woman (Friedman et al., 1998; Montemurro & Siefken, 2012; Travis et al., 2000). That said, it can also reflect generational differences with regard to perceptions of acceptable sexual desire and conduct for women, as there have been significant changes in terms of gendered norms regarding sexuality over the past 60 years (Allyn, 2000; Kamen, 2000; Lévy, 2008; Thornton & YoungDeMarco, 2001).
Interview Guide
Motivation for doing the interview:
⦁ Could you tell me what motivated you to participate in this study?
Perceptions of what “younger man” means
⦁ This study focused on women’s experiences with younger men. In your mind, how young does a man have to be for you to think you are dating a “younger man”?
Current love/sexual life
⦁ Could you tell me more about where you are right now with regards to your current love life and sexual life?
Love/sexual history
⦁ In order for me to have a general idea of who you are, could you provide me with a quick overview of the important intimate relationships you’ve had in your life?
Dating at midlife
⦁ How would you describe your experience being on the dating market at midlife?
Dating preferences
⦁ Thinking about the last years of your life as a single woman, what do you usually look for…
⦁ in terms of relationships?
⦁ In terms of personal characteristics in men?
⦁ How does age matter for you, if at all?
⦁ Have your preferences changed over time, and if so, how?
Experience with age-hypogamous intimate relationships- Overview
⦁ Is (NAME- current younger partner) the first younger partner you’ve ever had?
⦁ Who was the first younger partner you’ve ever had?
⦁ If not, how many younger male partners have you had in your life?
⦁ In your lifetime, would you say you’ve chosen mostly younger, same-age or older men?
Experiences with your FIRST younger partner (* if different from current younger partner)
⦁ How did you meet (NAME- first younger partner)?
⦁ (* if needed) Tell me more about the first interactions…
⦁ How did you feel about the age difference at first?
⦁ Has your feeling changed over time? How so?
⦁ At that time, were you looking specifically for a younger man?
⦁ What kind of relationship were you looking for when you met him?
⦁ Did the relationship evolved over time? How so?
Experiences with CURRENT younger man
⦁ How did you meet (NAME- current younger partner)?
⦁ (* if needed) Tell me more about the first interactions…
⦁ How did you feel about the age difference at first?
⦁ Has your feeling changed over time? How so?
⦁ At that time, were you looking specifically for a younger man?
⦁ What kind of relationship were you looking for when you met him?
⦁ Did the relationship evolved over time? How so?
Age preference
⦁ When you think of the kind of partners you could be interested in, do you have a limit with regards to how young/how old a new partner could be?
⦁ Can you explain why you wouldn’t consider a man younger than (MINIMUM AGE) and older than (MAXIMUM AGE)?
⦁ How strict are you about those limits? Are there contexts in which you don’t mind going younger or older, and if so, what contexts?
Perceived benefits, disadvantages and risks associated with age hypogamy
⦁ Do you see any advantages to dating younger men? If so, what are they?
⦁ Do you see any disadvantages to dating younger men? If so, what are they?
Expectations with regards to the future
⦁ What do you expect out of your relationships with (NAME- current younger partner)?
⦁ How does the age difference influence the way you see the future with him?
⦁ If you were to imagine a long-term relationship with (NAME- current younger partner), would there be any risks or benefits that you associate to his age?
Younger men’s interest in older women
⦁ What do you think young men are looking for in older women like you?
Age identity
⦁ In general, do you mention your age when you meet a new partner?
⦁ When? Why/Why not?
⦁ Do you ask how old he is? When? Why/Why not?
⦁ With regards to disclosing your age, do you act differently with men your age/older men compared to younger men? Why (or why not)?
⦁ When on a date with younger men, do you feel like you have to adapt your look or your approach in order to look more youthful? How so?
Power dynamics
⦁ Do you feel like the age difference influence the power dynamics between you and your younger partner(s)? And if so, how?
⦁ How does it differ, if at all, from your experience with men your age/older?
Children
⦁ Do you feel like having children/not having children influences your interactions or relationships with younger men? And if so, how?
⦁ How does it differ, if at all, from your experience with men your age/older?
Money
⦁ Do you feel like money influences your interactions or relationships with younger men? And if so, how?
⦁ How does it differ, if at all, from your experience with men your age/older?
⦁ Do you see any differences with regards to who pays for the bill?
⦁ Do you think your financial resources could be something that attracts younger men? Why/why not?
Sexuality
⦁ Do you see any differences with regards to sex when you compare you experiences with younger men with those with men your age/older?
⦁ How does dating younger (vs. older) men influence the way you feel in bed?
Body image
⦁ How does dating younger (vs. older) men influences the way you feel about your body?
People’s reactions and stigma management
⦁ Have you introduced (current younger partner) to your friends and family?
⦁ Why? Why not?
⦁ What have been their reactions?
⦁ Have you ever encountered reactions (positive or negative) from people outside of your friends and family? Tell me about it.
⦁ Do you have strategies to avoid negative comments or reactions?
⦁ If someone had an issue with you dating younger men, what would you say?
Feelings towards aging
⦁ How do you feel about aging?
Feelings towards cultural representations of older women
⦁ How do you feel about the way older women/older men are presented in the media?
⦁ How does that make you feel?
Feelings towards age hypergamy
⦁ How do you feel about men who date younger women?
“Cougar” and identity choices
⦁ I see you already know the term ‘cougar’ / Do you know the term ‘cougar’?
⦁ What does that term mean to you?
⦁ Do you see yourself as a “cougar”? Why? Why not?
⦁ Has anyone ever referred to you as a “cougar”? How did you react?
Advice for other women
⦁ If a friend of yours came to you, told you she was curious about dating younger men, and asked you for advice, what would you tell her?
Last words
Is there anything you would want the public to know about women’s intimate relationships with younger men? Or is there anything else would like to add before we finish up this interview?
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Popular press that mentions this paper: Why Older Women (Cougars) Seek Sex With Younger Men (Cubs) https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/202001/why-older-women-cougars-seek-sex-younger-men-cubs
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