People comfortable with closeness who were single or sexually or relationally dissatisfied reported greater sexual nostalgia (fantasies with past partners); chronic sexual nostalgia detracted from satisfaction

Sexual Nostalgia as a Response to Unmet Sexual and Relational Needs: The Role of Attachment Avoidance. Amy Muise et al. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, March 14, 2020. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220907468

Abstract: Romantic relationships help people meet needs for connection and emotional and sexual fulfillment. In the current research, we investigate an unexplored response to feeling sexually and relationally unfulfilled: reflecting on positive sexual experiences with past partners (or sexual nostalgia). Across three studies, people low in attachment avoidance (i.e., comfortable with closeness) who were (a) single or (b) sexually or relationally dissatisfied reported greater sexual nostalgia, whereas people high in attachment avoidance (i.e., value autonomy) did not calibrate their feelings of sexual nostalgia based on their current relationship status or satisfaction. Sexual fantasies about past partners (i.e., sexual nostalgia) were distinct from other types of sexual fantasies (Study 1) and the effects could not be attributed to general nostalgia (Study 2) or sexual desire (Study 3). Chronic sexual nostalgia detracted from satisfaction over time. The findings have implications for theories of nostalgia and attachment and for managing unfulfilled needs in relationships.

Keywords: nostalgia, attachment, satisfaction, sexuality, relationships


Discussion

Given that romantic relationships are difficult to maintain
and that couples often report declines in their desire and satisfaction over time (e.g., McNulty et al., 2016), it is likely
that most people will encounter times in their lives when
they feel they have unfulfilled sexual and relational needs. In
the current research, we explored whether reflecting on or
reminiscing about past sexual partners (which we termed
sexual nostalgia) is one response to having unfulfilled sexual
or relational needs. Study 1 revealed that sexual nostalgia
involves sexual memories or sexual fantasies about a past
partner and provided evidence that fantasies about past partners are distinct from other types of sexual fantasies. In participants’ descriptions of past partner sexual fantasies, the
most commonly reported theme was that people tend to draw
on these fantasies when feeling lonely or dissatisfied in a
current relationship. The data across all three studies converged with this theme from the qualitative data and indicated that when people are single or feeling dissatisfied with
their sex life or relationship, they reported more sexual nostalgia (however, in Study 3, the effects were driven by men).
Also, consistent with past research on general nostalgia and
attachment theory (e.g., Wildschut et al., 2010), people low
in attachment avoidance—those who are comfortable with
closeness—calibrated their feelings of sexual nostalgia based
on their current feelings of fulfillment, whereas those high in
avoidance did not. That is, people low in avoidance reported
greater sexual nostalgia when they were single, or feeling
unfulfilled in their current relationship, but for people high in
avoidance, their feelings of sexual nostalgia did not differ
based on their current fulfillment.


Extending Nostalgia to the Sexual Domain

Previous research has found that nostalgia is often triggered
by negative feelings, such as loneliness and disconnection,
and drawn on as a way to restore positive self-regard and
social connection (Wildschut et al., 2006). We extended past
work on nostalgia to sexuality to test whether sexual nostalgia is heightened in response to low sexual and relational
fulfillment. The current findings do not simply mirror past
work on nostalgia in the sexual domain but indicate that reminiscing about past sexual experiences is a unique way that
people might cope with feeling dissatisfied in their current
relationship or situation. In Study 2, we demonstrated that
sexual nostalgia is distinct from general nostalgia and that
people do not draw on general nostalgia in response to a lack
of fulfillment in their relationship or sex life. The associations with sexual nostalgia for a past partner also seem to be
distinct from reminiscing about an earlier time in the current
relationship—the function, if any, of reflecting on nostalgic
sexual experiences with a current partner is an interesting
avenue for future research.

One reason why nostalgic memories are thought to be powerful for restoring social connection when threatened or lonely is because they affirm that a person is loved and accepted and momentarily make a valuable past experience part of one’s present (Sedikides et al., 2008). Our findings from Study 1 that fantasies about past partners are distinct from other types of sexual fantasies suggest that fantasizing about a past partner might provide something unique when feeling dissatisfied that other sexual fantasies cannot provide. Sexual fantasies in general can serve a compensatory function (e.g., Birnbaum, 2007); women in longer (compared with shorter) marriages are more likely to fantasize about a person other than their spouse (Pelletier & Herold, 1988), which may compensate for lower relationship satisfaction or sexual boredom (Trudel, 2002). Given that fantasies about past partners are based on real experiences, these types of fantasies might have the unique ability to validate one’s sense of their sexual self and their desirability. Past research on general nostalgia has shown that feelings of nostalgia can lead people to connect with their authentic self (Baldwin et al., 2015), and in this sense, sexual nostalgia might lead people to feel sexually authentic. In addition, feelings of disconnection from a specific close other can be tempered by substituting another connection (Baumeister & Leary, 1995), and in the context of romantic and sexual relationships, past partners might be the most appropriate substitute on which to reflect.

Although there is evidence that reflecting on nostalgic
experiences leads to positive self-regard, feelings of love and
protection (Wildschut et al., 2006), and feeling that one’s life
is meaningful (Routledge et al., 2008), nostalgic memories
also give rise to negative emotions. When people wrote
about a nostalgic event (compared with an ordinary event),
the narratives included themes of both happiness and sadness
(Wildschut et al., 2008), although in past experimental studies, evoked nostalgic memories tended to be more positivelyvalanced (Wildschut et al., 2006). Recent work has found
that nostalgic memories that occur naturally in daily life are
associated with mixed emotions but may be more imbued
with negative as opposed to positive feelings (Newman et al.,
2019). People who were more chronically nostalgic reported
lower well-being (Newman et al., 2019). These findings converge with the current findings on sexual nostalgia. In Study
3, people who reported more sexual nostalgia over the course
of the 28-day diary study felt less satisfied with their sex
lives and relationships 3 months later. It is possible that brief
reflection on positive past sexual experiences may help people manage a current lack of fulfillment, but chronically
reflecting on past sexual experiences may detract from their
current relationship. More research is needed to consider the
costs and benefits of sexual nostalgia for feelings of satisfaction and overall well-being Attachment Avoidance and Sexual Nostalgia
The current findings that people low in attachment avoidance calibrate their sexual nostalgia based on their current
feelings of fulfillment or satisfaction, but people high in
avoidance do not, are consistent with past research.
Avoidant people do not tend to seek support from others
when distressed or rejected (e.g., Mikulincer & Shaver,
2008) and often view their partners as unresponsive.
Therefore, avoidant people may not see past partners as
sources of connection and comfort. It was not the case,
however, that avoidant people did not draw on sexual nostalgia. In Studies 1 and 3, people higher (compared with
lower) in avoidance reported higher overall levels of sexual
nostalgia. Avoidant people seem to draw on sexual nostalgia even when they are satisfied in a current relationship,
possibly suggesting a more chronic need to distance themselves from closeness and intimacy in relationship. In fact,
people low in avoidance who were satisfied in their relationship are the people who did not draw on sexually nostalgia, possibly as a cognitive strategy to avoid reflecting
on alternatives to their current relationship.
The attachment system and the sexual system are inextricably linked as romantic partners serve as both attachment figures and sexual partners (Birnbaum, 2010).
Therefore, memories of past sexual partners might provide
both feelings of connection and sexual desirability, especially for people who are low in attachment avoidance.
Securely attached individuals view sex as a way to express
intimacy, feel confident, and fulfill needs for connection
(e.g., Birnbaum, 2016), and as such, memories of past sexual experiences might provide a powerful source to boost
feelings of connection and restore sexual confidence when
feeling unfulfilled. People high in attachment avoidance,
however, do not use sex to achieve emotional intimacy in
relationships and tend to distance themselves from romantic or emotional motives for sex (Birnbaum, 2016). Given
that sexual fantasies can represent attachment-related
wishes, such as avoidant people seeing themselves as less
helpless and intimate in their fantasies (Birnbaum et al.,
2011), people may use fantasies or memories of past partners to meet their attachment-related needs. The current
findings suggest just that when people low in attachment
avoidance feel that their sexual or relational needs are
unmet, they are more likely to reflect on past sexual relationships, possibly to temporarily meet those needs.


Limitations and Future Directions

The current research provides novel insight into one strategy
people use when their sexual and relational needs are unfulfilled, but many questions remain. Although we have evidence across three studies that people low in attachment
avoidance draw on sexual nostalgia when single or dissatisfied, we do not yet know what feelings of sexual nostalgia
provide in the moment. Given that the daily effects in Study 3
were driven by men, it is possible that men might draw on
past experiences in response to daily changes in satisfaction,
whereas women might draw on sexual nostalgia only when
feeling chronically unfulfilled. Related to this, we do not
know the function of sexual nostalgia for people high in
attachment avoidance, who, overall reported higher levels of
sexual nostalgia, and draw on sexual nostalgia even when satisfied. It is also likely that it is healthy for people to be able to
fulfill some emotional and social needs outside of their
romantic relationship (i.e., there might be some limitations to
how we assessed emotional need fulfillment in Study 2), and
if needs are being met in other close relationships, unmet
needs in a current romantic relationship might not trigger nostalgia or might not detract from satisfaction. Future work
might consider when and for whom sexual nostalgia is functional for helping people manage unfulfilled needs and when
sexual nostalgia is harmful for relationships.
Our theoretical predictions suggest that sexual nostalgia
occurs in response to unmet sexual or relational needs, but it
is also possible that sexual nostalgia might lead to feeling
dissatisfied or unfulfilled. When people described sexual
fantasies about past partners in Study 1, one theme that
emerged was that those fantasies could be triggered by visiting a certain place, smelling a type of perfume or cologne, or
hearing a certain song (much like general nostalgic memories). If sexual nostalgia is triggered externally, reflecting on
a past sexual experience might lead to feeling less satisfied in
a current relationship. In Study 3, we have evidence that
chronic sexual nostalgia in a relationship can detract from
satisfaction over time. Past research on general thoughts
about an ex-partner found that declines in satisfaction over
time were linked to longing for an ex-partner but also that
longing for an ex-partner detracted from satisfaction in a current relationship (Spielmann et al., 2012). Therefore, it is
possible that feelings of dissatisfaction might lead to greater
sexual nostalgia, but that more chronic nostalgia also detracts
from satisfaction. Future work might consider the trajectory
of sexual nostalgia and relationship and sexual satisfaction
over time to tease this apart.