Abstract: Keeping an intimate relationship is challenging, and many people face difficulties in doing so. In the current research, we have attempted to identify these difficulties, within the context of an evolutionary theoretical framework. More specifically, by using a combination of qualitative research methods in a sample of 163 Greek-speaking participants, we identified 78 such difficulties. By employing maximum likelihood analysis on the scores of 1,099 Greek-speaking participants, we classified these difficulties in 12 broader factors. The most important factor was “Fading away enthusiasm,” followed by “Long work hours” and “Lack of personal time and space.” Almost 70% of the participants indicated that at least one factor, and 41% indicated that three or more factors caused them difficulties. Significant sex effects were found for most factors, indicating that men and women differed in the importance they ascribed to these difficulties. Moreover, significant age, marital status and number of children effects were found for several factors.
Keywords: difficulties in keeping an intimate relationship, keeping an intimate relationship, mating, mismatch problem, intimate relationships
In the current research, we have identified 78 difficulties in keeping and intimate relationship, and we have classified them in 12 broader factors. We have also found that enthusiasm and romantic feelings fading away quickly, along with long work hours and lack of personal time and space, were considered as the most important factors causing difficulties to people in keeping an intimate relationship. In addition, almost 70% of the participants indicated that at least one factor, and 41% indicated that three or more factors, caused them difficulties. Significant sex, age marital status and number of children effects were found for most of the factors.
The mismatch between ancestral and modern conditions is likely to account for many of the factors that have emerged here. In more detail, in the ancestral context, enthusiasm and intense romantic feelings would motivate people to start a relationship, and they are expected to reside as the relationship progresses. In a pre-industrial context, the support, protection and subsistence benefits would take over, providing the incentive to people to keep the relationship. The absence of these factors in the post-industrial context, makes the fading away of enthusiasm and romantic feelings impairing for keeping a relationship, as people lose the incentive to do so.
In the same vein, because in the ancestral context the benefits from having a family largely outweighed the costs of having unpleasant personality traits, positive selection forces would be relatively weak on personality traits that make an individual more pleasant as a partner. Thus, in the context of romantic relationships, several people today, are not easygoing, are selfish, insecure, clingy and aggressive, traits, which impair their capacity to keep an intimate relationship since their partners are not very willing to overlook them. For instance, being physically aggressive is not tolerated in the contemporary context where individual rights are well-protected and women are not dependent on their partners, having thus the opposite effect: Women would most likely walk away from an abusive partner. Furthermore, in ancestral human societies, people lived in extended families, meaning that they had many people around which could help them with raising their children (Hrdy, 2008). In post-industrial societies, people usually live on their own, away from their families, and they have to bear themselves the bulk of the demands for raising their children. Thus, selection forces may not have adequately prepared them to do so and keeping at the same time an intimate relationship.
The factors that we have identified in the present study, reflect also conflict between the sexes. People adopt a mixed mating strategy that involves extra-pair relationships in order to increase their own at the expense of their partners’ fitness. Accordingly, as it can be seen in the “Infidelity and abuse” factor, a partner’s adoption of such strategy makes keeping the relationship difficult. Although conceptually distinct, being physically abusive loaded to the same factor as infidelity. One possible explanation is that, a male extra-pair infidelity may be coupled with physical aggression, a strategy which, in an ancestral context, could have prevented women from walking away from their unfaithful partners. The conflict between the sexes is also reflected in factors such as “Long work hours”: Being more wealthy and successful could enable individuals, especially men, to attract higher mate value long-term partners or a higher number of casual ones. In effect, people may overemphasize on their careers in order to achieve status and wealth, neglecting their current partner.
The extracted factors reflect also the adoption of a short-term mating strategy. This is more obvious in the “Not monogamous” factor, where people indicated that they were not monogamous, and as a consequence, they tended to have unsatisfactory sexual lives when they stay long in a relationship, and for this reason tend to break up easily. This factor is also reflected in the “Fading away enthusiasm”: In order to be able to adopt a short-term mating strategy, people’s romantic feelings are expected to be intense when they meet a new partner, but to reside quickly, motivating them to look for other partners. Such calibration of behavioral mechanisms would prevent people from keeping an intimate relationship.
Sex-differences were found in almost all factors, suggesting that men and women differed in how important they considered the various difficulties. As it was originally predicted, men would be more likely to adopt a short-term and a mixed mating strategy, which would cause them difficulties in keeping an intimate relationship. These difficulties were reflected in the “Not monogamous” and the “Infidelity and abuse” factors. They were also reflected in the “Fading away enthusiasm” and the “Lack of personal time and space” factors, where men gave significantly higher scores than women. For instance, as discussed in the introduction, men’s enthusiasm may fade away quickly, so that they could move on to the next partner. Also, in order to be able to have multiple partners, men would prefer to have more freedom of movement, and less control by a partner, and these preferences reflect on the “Lack of personal time and space.” As indicated by the effect size, the largest sex-difference was found for the “Lack of effort,” which also reflects this issue as items such as “My sexual interest for my partner soon fades away” loaded there. This factor may also reflect the different evolutionary histories of men and women: During most of evolutionary time, men monopolized women by force, so they may not have evolved to have high empathy and understanding of their partners’ needs.
Significant age effects were found for several factors. As indicated by the effect size, the largest difference was for the “Bad sex” and the “Long work hours” factors. Starting from the former, older participants gave higher scores than younger ones. One possible explanation is that, the more time people spend in a relationship, the more likely it is for them to get bored having sex with the same partner. Age in this case probably acts as a proxy of the length of the relationship, with older participants being more likely to be longer in an intimate relationship than younger participants. With respect to the “Long work hours” factor, we found that older participants spent more time working and less time allocating to the partners than younger participants. One possible explanation is that, as people get older, they are more likely to advance in their careers, and have then to spend more hours working and fewer hours being with their partners.
We also found that participants who had more children gave higher scores for difficulties such as their children absorbing most of their time and energy than participants with fewer or no children. This is expected, as people would allocate less resources in child-rearing and would be less likely to disagree with their partners on how to raise their daughters and sons, if they had few or no children than if they had several children. We also found that, participants who were single and divorced, gave significantly higher scores in most factors than participants who were married and in a relationship. One possible interpretation of this finding is that, individuals who experienced more difficulties, were more likely not to be in a relationship than individuals who experienced fewer difficulties. For instance, people who did not make considerable effort to keep a relationship, were not monogamous, and they felt that a relationship constrained them, were less likely to keep an intimate relationship than people who made considerable effort, were monogamous and they did not feel that a relationship constrained them. Future research needs to investigate this finding further.
The means for all factors were below the middle of the scale (i.e., “3”), suggesting that each one on its own was not causing people considerable difficulties in keeping a relationship. Yet, each mean was accompanied by a relatively large standard deviation, indicating that there was considerable variation in these difficulties, with some people finding them very constraining and others not constraining at all. On the basis of these findings, we can argue that people will experience severe difficulties in keeping a relationship when more than one factors is present. For instance, if people are quirky, have a taste for sexual variation, and lose their enthusiasm quickly, they will face severe difficulties in keeping a relationship, but people who are say only quirky, may manage to do so more smoothly. Of course, the outcome depends also on the severity of the problem; if people are for instance extremely quirky, they will face severe difficulties in keeping a relationship even in the absence of other difficulties.
As discussed above, the difficulties that people face in keeping an intimate relationship could lead to divorce. Such difficulties could cause the termination of the relationship long before it reaches the point of marriage, leading people to remain single. They may also prolong the spells of singlehood, because people who face such difficulties may had bad experiences from being in a relationship, which could demotivate them from looking to establish new ones. Actually, one study asked participants to indicate the reasons why they were single, and found that bad experiences from previous relationships was a common reason (Apostolou, 2017b). Accordingly, studying the difficulties in keeping intimate relationships is necessary for developing interventions that could enable people to maintain an intimate relationship. A proper theoretical framework for understanding these difficulties is key for this endeavor to succeed. For instance, the evolutionary theoretical framework, developed in the current paper, indicates that most of these difficulties arise from behavioral mechanisms not being well-adapted to the modern conditions rather than from behavioral mechanisms being broken. That is, in most cases of people facing difficulties in keeping an intimate relationship, there is not an underlying pathology. In turn, possible interventions should not aim to identify and “cure” a pathology, but to enable instead people to address the limitations of their behavioral adaptations, and function better in the contemporary environment.
Our research is not without limitations. To begin with, our results were based on self-report data that are subject to several biases. In particular, people may not have an accurate perception of what causes them difficulties in keeping an intimate relationship. For instance, people may fail to recognize that they are clingy, which in turn, makes keeping a relationship difficult. Furthermore, we employed a non-probability sample, so our findings cannot be readily generalized to the population. Also, although we have employed a combination of qualitative research methods in order to identify the reasons which caused people difficulties in keeping an intimate relationship, we may not have captured all of them. Moreover, the importance ascribed to these reasons may vary with the cultural context, which indicates that cross-cultural research is required for examining cultural variation. In addition, our study is explorative and was based one sample. Consequently, the next step in this research should be to employ these results and systematically develop a theoretically-driven measure, with carefully generated items, a good and a priori specified factor structure, and good measurement properties. Finally yet importantly, we did not control for sexual orientation. Given the relatively low prevalence of homosexuality and bisexuality (LeVay, 2010), we expect that our sample was predominantly heterosexual. Accordingly, our findings may not generalize to non-heterosexual individuals.
The plethora of reasons and factors that we have identified in the current research, testify to the complexity of the phenomenon. Such complexity suggests that our work is insufficient for fully understanding the difficulties that people face in keeping an intimate relationship. It should be considered thus, as the first of the many studies which are required to understand this fascinating phenomenon.
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