Dating is widely thought of as a test phase for romantic relationships, during which new romantic partners carefully evaluate each other for long-term fit; but we are not that choosy

We’re Not That Choosy: Emerging Evidence of a Progression Bias in Romantic Relationships. Samantha Joel, Geoff MacDonald. Personality and Social Psychology Review, July 10, 2021. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683211025860

Abstract: Dating is widely thought of as a test phase for romantic relationships, during which new romantic partners carefully evaluate each other for long-term fit. However, this cultural narrative assumes that people are well equipped to reject poorly suited partners. In this article, we argue that humans are biased toward pro-relationship decisions—decisions that favor the initiation, advancement, and maintenance of romantic relationships. We first review evidence for a progression bias in the context of relationship initiation, investment, and breakup decisions. We next consider possible theoretical underpinnings—both evolutionary and cultural—that may explain why getting into a relationship is often easier than getting out of one, and why being in a less desirable relationship is often preferred over being in no relationship at all. We discuss potential boundary conditions that the phenomenon may have, as well as its implications for existing theoretical models of mate selection and relationship development.

Consider the very specific chain of events that must occur for a marriage to form in contemporary Western cultures. First, one of the partners must choose to pursue the other partner romantically. Any fears of being rejected that this person may have—as potent as rejection concerns are (e.g., G. MacDonald & Leary, 2005)—must be overcome. If one person does not initially experience much physical attraction, passion, or sexual satisfaction with their partner, they must choose to overlook that concern, perhaps with the belief that such feelings will develop over time (Maxwell et al., 2017). If either partner encounters red flags or “dealbreakers” regarding their partner (e.g., Jonason et al., 2015), those too must be overlooked in favor of the partner’s positive qualities. Over time, both partners must mutually and continuously choose to invest in that particular relationship. A long and specific series of decisions is typically made, such as introducing the partner to friends and family, spending the night together, agreeing to become exclusive, planning future activities together, and eventually moving in together and/or getting engaged (Eastwick et al., 2018). Finally, in the face of every relationship setback—every relationship-straining event that life may throw at the couple (e.g., Neff & Broady, 2011)—both partners must choose to persevere rather than break up.

At every fork in the road—in the context of every relationship turning point—both partners must consistently make pro-relationship decisions. If each of these decisions was made at random—if every time a person faced a difficult decision about a romantic relationship, they resolved their dilemma on the basis of a coin toss—few relationships would ever begin, and the chances of any relationship making it through the first year would be incredibly small. And yet, approximately 80% of Americans above the age of 25 have been married at some point (Wang & Parker, 2014), and 48% of Americans above 25 are currently married (P. Taylor, 2010). What are the mechanisms that lead people to make such a specific series of life decisions, so commonly?

We propose that so many romantic relationships are able to form and endure because humans have a bias toward pro-relationship decisions—decisions that serve to initiate, advance, and maintain romantic relationships—and against decisions that result in rejecting partners or forgoing romantic opportunities. In this article, we will use the term progression bias to refer to this general tendency to make decisions that move romantic relationships toward commitment (e.g., pursuing potential partners, agreeing to dates, and investing time and resources into the relationship) rather than dissolution (e.g., rejecting or breaking up with suitors). This phenomenon is likely underpinned by a broad collection of biological, social, cognitive, and affective mechanisms. Feelings of infatuation motivate people to spend time with prospective partners (e.g., Aron & Aron, 1991; Eastwick & Finkel, 2008; Hazan & Diamond, 2000), and reward pathways activate in response to new partners (e.g., Acevedo & Aron, 2014; Aron et al., 2005; Bartels & Zeki, 2000, 2004; Burkett & Young, 2012). In Western contexts, people experience social pressure to enter romantic relationships (Day et al., 2011; DePaulo & Morris, 2005). Fears of long-term singlehood are common (Spielmann, MacDonald et al., 2013), and unpartnered people are subjected to stigma (e.g., Conley & Collins, 2002; Greitemeyer, 2009; Hertel et al., 2007; Morris et al., 2007). Even when a romantic partner or potential partner is undesired, rejecting them is difficult to do. Would-be rejectors often experience guilt (Baumeister et al., 1993; Bohns & DeVincent, 2019; Perilloux & Buss, 2008) and concerns about hurting the suitor’s feelings (Joel et al., 2014). In many non-Western contexts, it is common for people’s self-selection into long-term relationships to be relatively limited, instead committing themselves to the partners chosen with strong influence from their parents or other family members (Apostolou, 2007; Buunk et al., 2010; Walker et al., 2011; Zaidi & Shuraydi, 2002).

The progression bias runs counter to two common claims within established theoretical models within relationship science. First, it qualifies the field’s current emphasis on the inhibiting role of rejection in relationship decisions (e.g., Bredow et al., 2008; Murray et al., 2006; Shanteau & Nagy, 1979). Existing theoretical models of relationship initiation and development (in Western contexts) suggest that people make pro-relationship decisions only when the risk of rejection is perceived to be low. We propose that, in fact, other motivational factors (e.g., the rewards of intimacy and caregiving, fears of missed romantic opportunities, social pressure) are sufficiently strong to motivate pro-relationship decisions even in the face of nontrivial rejection risks. The progression bias also contradicts the notion that commitment is a necessary precondition for pro-relationship biases (e.g., Fletcher et al., 1999; Rusbult & Van Lange, 2003, 2008). Existing models of pro-relationship biases and positive romantic illusions stipulate that these biases primarily come online once commitment is high, after the relationship has become established. We propose that, in fact, these biases are present as soon as any romantic interest has developed, such that they play an important role in propelling fledging dating partners toward established partnerships.

Below, we review emerging evidence for a progression bias across three major relationship turning points: initial mate choice, relationship investment, and stay/leave decisions. We will then discuss potential theoretical underpinnings of the phenomenon, including both evolutionary and social advantages, as well as implications for existing theoretical models of mate selection and romantic relationship development. Importantly, most of the evidence we review is subject to the same generalizability constraints as the discipline of psychology more broadly (e.g., WEIRD sampling; Henrich et al., 2010). We will discuss potential boundary conditions of the progression bias, including groups for whom the phenomenon may be stronger or weaker. Finally, we will conclude with suggested future directions, particularly highlighting the need for diverse recruitment as well as prospective methods that track real relationship experiences over time.