Rolf Degen summarizing... Although many individuals in committed relationships had a crush on a third party, they did not want to play out their attraction, but just to keep him/her as a silent reserve in the sidelines

Loving you from afar: Attraction to others (“crushes”) among adults in exclusive relationships, communication, perceived outcomes, and expectations of future intimate involvement. Lucia F. O’Sullivan, Charlene F. Belu, Justin R. Garcia. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, August 24, 2021. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211038612

Abstract: Crushes are uncommunicated, often unilateral, attractions to an individual, generally viewed as a state of unfulfilled longing. They are typically attributed to young people, but recent research suggests that these experiences might be common among adults as well, including among those in committed relationships. Combining findings from three studies across four datasets, this mixed-methods research explores crushes experienced by individuals in committed intimate relationships. Study 1 explored types of crushes, preferences and nature of exchanges among adults in committed relationships and compares their reports to a sample of single individuals. Study 2 examined perceived outcomes of crushes as a way to assess needs or goals served by crushes. Study 3 investigated expectations about whether and how the crush relationship might evolve into a more intimate relationship. A total of 3,585 participants (22–45 years, 53.1% women) completed anonymous online surveys addressing crush experiences and related dynamics. Those in committed relationships typically did not intend to communicate their attraction to the target, unlike single individuals. Associated outcomes were primarily positive, including excitement, increased esteem, and fantasy/escape. The vast majority reported no expectations that these crushes would evolve into more intimate relationships, replacing their current relationship. This work adds to our understanding of attraction outside of traditional human courtship processes, with implications for the study of intimate relationship development and maintenance.

Keywords: Attraction, committed, crush, intimate, romantic, sexual, single

Check also Belu, C., & O'Sullivan, L. (2019). Roving Eyes: Predictors of Crushes in Ongoing Romantic Relationships and Implications for Relationship Quality. Journal of Relationships Research, 10, E2. doi:10.1017/jrr.2018.21. https://www.bipartisanalliance.com/2019/01/while-in-romantic-relationship-crushes.html

And Walk the Line: How Successful Are Efforts to Maintain Monogamy in Intimate Relationships? Brenda H. Lee, Lucia F. O’Sullivan. Archives of Sexual Behavior, June 18 2019. https://www.bipartisanalliance.com/2019/06/how-successful-are-efforts-to-maintain.html

And Why Find My Own When I Can Take Yours?: The Quality of Relationships That Arise From Successful Mate Poaching. Charlene F. Belu and Lucia F. O'Sullivan. Journal of Relationships Research, Volume 9, 2018, e6. https://www.bipartisanalliance.com/2018/05/the-quality-of-relationships-that-arise.html

General discussion

This series of exploratory studies on crushes was designed to provide some early insights into the nature of exchanges with attractive others for those in committed relationships, outcomes associated with having these attractions, and expectations of future involvement with the target of one’s attraction. Moving us beyond a focus on attraction to others as an indicator of poor relationship quality or a precursor to infidelity, the current series of studies established that these attractions most often seemed instrumental in gaining fairly positive psychosocial outcomes, such as diversion, fun, or excitement.

Overall, few individuals in ostensibly exclusive relationships reported plans to advance the crush relationship further. By comparison to singles, those in relationships were more inclined to keep their attraction covert and were more satisfied to simply flirt with someone for whom they experienced attraction rather than communicate their interest directly.

These findings raise the obvious question of why humans might exhibit and entertain feelings of crushes in the first place, if they are expected to go unfulfilled—that is, unlike in other models of attraction, an individual does not seek out the object of the crush. On the surface, this would seem to be a poor use of an individual’s time and effort, resources meant to be adaptively leveraged in mating contexts. It is possible that these crush attractions are simply inevitable, that we cannot turn off the psychological system that helps us orient toward potential partners when we enter an established relationship. The Instrumentality Principle would indicate that these behaviors meet a motivational priority, moving an individual toward a valuable goal. However, these attractions might reassure individuals that there are other options should the primary relationship falter (i.e., mate switching; Buss et al., 2017). Similarly, many young adults report maintaining “back burner” relationships, that is, a connection with someone who they might someday connect with romantically or sexually (Dibble & Drouin, 2014; Dibble et al., 2015). Crushes might comprise a means of gauging or testing one’s commitment and interest in preserving a primary relationship.

We did not assess relationship quality of one’s primary relationship. Although participants’ self-reports suggest that crushes are relatively benign experiences, further research is needed to examine under which conditions a crush might undermine relationship quality. Intensity of one’s attraction, especially if it increases over time, mutuality of the attraction and the response of the crush target should they want to pursue a relationship are likely important moderators, as is quality of the primary relationship in terms of satisfaction and commitment. Primary relationships of lower quality are likely more vulnerable to one or both partners becoming distracted by another. We also should examine more closely the impact of the secrecy involved with crushes and indeed how much is concealed from a primary partner. Secret attraction when linked with fear of its being exposed might amplify attraction through misattribution of arousal (“excitement transfer” Marin et al., 2017; Meston & Frohlich, 2003) or frustration attraction (Fisher, 2005).

Study limitations

There are other limitations that need to be acknowledged. Our use of cross-sectional data rather than longitudinal data renders any speculation about links to relationship outcomes unwarranted. A longer trajectory, ideally using prospective methods, would allow researchers to better capture outcomes associated with attractions to others. This is a limitation of the study designs, and short of tracking individuals from the onset of their relationship, one that cannot be easily overcome. In addition, it is important to bear in mind that self-reports about sensitive topics, such as attractions to others, are often subject to issues of presentation biases. However, in every case, we ensured that participants were fully informed of the anonymous nature of their reports, which we believe offset some of the biases these concerns might introduce.

Although we were able to study gender differences to some extent, we were only able to explore differences in terms of sexual identity in the first of our three studies. Those who identified as sexual minorities (gay, lesbian, or bisexual) reported more types of crushes than did those who identified as heterosexual. This finding might reflect pressure among sexual minority individuals to keep same-sex attractions hidden. Exploring these attractions in larger and/or more diverse populations will help us determine how a mechanism that evolved to guide individuals toward a viable romantic and sexual partner with whom we intend to bond and mate (Berscheid, & Reis, 1998; Fisher, 1998; Sprecher & Hatfield, 1985) operates in contexts in which an intimate relationship is ostensibly not the goal.