Men are more likely to seek help with their relationships online, are more expressive of their emotions (e.g., discussing the topic of “heartache”), & show language patterns generally consistent with more secure attachment

Dirty laundry: The nature and substance of seeking relationship help from strangers online. Charlotte Entwistle et al. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, October 23, 2021. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211046635

Abstract: Interpersonal relationships are vital to our well-being. In recent years, it has become increasingly common to seek relationship help through anonymous online platforms. Accordingly, we conducted a large-scale analysis of real-world relationship help-seeking to create a descriptive overview of the nature and substance of online relationship help-seeking. By analyzing the demographic characteristics and language of relationship help-seekers on Reddit (N = 184,631), we establish the first-ever big data analysis of relationship help-seeking and relationship problems in situ among the general population. Our analyses highlight real-world relationship struggles found in the general population, extending beyond past work that is typically limited to counseling/intervention settings. We find that relationship problem estimates from our sample are closer to those found in the general population, providing a more generalized insight into the distribution and prevalence of relationship problems as compared with past work. Further, we find several meaningful associations between relationship help-seeking behavior, gender, and attachment. Notably, numerous gender differences in help-seeking and romantic attachment emerged. Our findings suggest that, contrary to more traditional contexts, men are more likely to seek help with their relationships online, are more expressive of their emotions (e.g., discussing the topic of “heartache”), and show language patterns generally consistent with more secure attachment. Our analyses highlight pathways for further exploration, providing even deeper insights into the timing, lifecycle, and moderating factors that influence who, what, why, and how people seek help for their interpersonal relationships.

Keywords: Relationship help-seeking, natural language analysis, relationship problems, attachment, social media

Discussion

In the present study, we provide novel insights into the nature and substance of relationship problems—based on a sample of Reddit users—using natural language analysis methods. To our knowledge, this is the first study that has provided a large-scale, high-resolution, naturalistic view of relationship problems and relationship help-seeking in situ within the general population.

The first aim of the present study was to describe the demographic composition of online relationship help-seekers relative to those who typically seek help in more traditional/professional contexts. We examined the age and gender of individuals seeking relationship help online via the r/relationships subreddit, finding a greater percentage of men soliciting relationship help than women. Interestingly, this differs from traditional, professional contexts, where women are typically more willing and active in seeking help for their relationship problems compared to male partners (Stewart et al., 2016). This discrepancy in findings supports our notion that men may find anonymous, online relationship help settings preferable to in-person contexts, likely due to stigma attached to help-seeking behavior in men (Hammer et al., 2013; Vogel et al., 2011). As mentioned above, these results could also be interpreted as an over-representation of help-seeking by female users relative to the baseline demographic composition of our sample (Duggan & Smith, 2013). Given that we do not have access to the demographics of passive users who do not post to the subreddit, we suggest that our conclusions on the contribution of gender toward the propensity to seek relationship help online be interpreted tentatively.

Those posting to the r/relationships platform were found to be considerably younger (average age 24 years) than people who typically seek relationship help in more traditional contexts (average age range 38–41 years; Duncan et al., 2020; Schofield et al., 2015), with the majority of r/relationships users falling in the 18–24 age bracket. This finding suggests that the anonymous, convenient, and broadly accessible nature of the online help-seeking space enables those who traditionally under-represented or less likely to seek help (e.g., young men) by overcoming barriers related to stigma or resource availability. These results complement the wider support-seeking literature highlighting that online spaces provide greater opportunities for support-seeking through the erosion of barriers associated with traditional contexts (DeAndrea, 2015; Vitak & Ellison, 2013). Notably, given that online relationship help-seeking is particularly common among younger age groups, it could be inferred that the informality of the online help-seeking environment is providing means for people to seek help and advice for more casual and early-stage relationships (e.g., at the “dating stage”) compared to the stage at which people more commonly seek professional relationship help (i.e., after several years of marriage).

Our topic modeling approach revealed 25 themes that help to illuminate the topography of relationship problems in the general public. Analysis of the distribution of themes revealed that the most commonly discussed topic on the r/relationships platform was “heartache,” supporting the notion that romantic dissolution and breakups are particularly distressing life events (LeFebvre et al., 2015). Moreover, the frequent discussion of feeling heartache is interesting given that this is not a specific relationship problem being discussed. Rather, people appear to simply be using the online platform to express their distress and seek general emotional support from others, suggesting that the emotional pain experienced following relationship problems or dissolution is perhaps the strongest motivator of reaching out for social support—more so than seeking to resolve any particular problem in and of itself.

What is particularly revealing from our analyses is that the main motivators identified for relationship help-seeking in the digital space were generally consistent with the main reasons for seeking relationships help identified from previous research in more traditional, professional contexts. Specifically, in line with previous research highlighting communication difficulty as the most common motivator for seeking professional relationship help (Doss et al., 2004; Duncan et al., 2020; Roddy et al., 2019), as well as being the leading cause for romantic breakups (Morris et al., 2015), communication was also found to be the most-discussed relationship problem within our sample (discounting the general topic of heartache). Other core themes captured from the r/relationships discussions are also consistent with the main reasons for professional relationship help-seeking, such as issues relating to intimacy, trust, finances, and housework. This consistency in relationship help-seeking motivators between anonymous, online contexts and more traditional, professional contexts strengthens the idea that many relationship problems are common and ubiquitous.

Critically, we find that in many cases, our results reflect more realistic real-world prevalences of relationship problems outside of therapeutic contexts. For example, the WHO reports that around 13% of surveyed women report some form of intimate partner abuse in the previous 12 months (World Health Organization, 2021); our analyses found that 12.14% of submissions contained a non-negligible reference to the “abuse” MEM theme, strongly contrasting with only 1.3% in intervention contexts (Roddy et al., 2019). Similarly, other relationship problems, such as communication difficulties and conflict, may be over-represented in traditional contexts (e.g., 27.2% in Roddy et al., 2019; our sample: 18%). Other themes showed strong convergence with past work. For example, we found highly similar rates of family/parenting problems being raised as reported in past work (7.12% in our sample; 6.6% in Roddy et al., 2019).

Our analysis of relationship problems revealed small, consistent gender differences. Among the more pronounced gender differences, men more commonly discussed themes of school (the largest gender difference), heartache, dating, partying, personal qualities, and language; women more commonly discussed themes related to finances, abuse, physical distance, and housework. Notably, the fact that the heartache theme was more commonly discussed by men emphasizes how men are at least as equally as affected by relationship problems as women and feel comfortable to express and seek support for their distress in online, anonymous settings. We therefore re-emphasize that existing gender differences identified within traditional contexts may at least partially be a result of stigmatization and pressure to conform to stereotypes. However, our finding that women discussed things like abuse, finances, and housework more than men instead indicates some continuation of gender norms “spilling over” into the online platform. Rather than eliminating or reversing gender norms, the anonymous online platform instead appears to provide a space where gender norms and stereotypes are relaxed, particularly those that carry strong stigma (e.g., expression of emotional distress by men).

Last, we explored the use of online relationship help-seeking as a digital trace for generating novel insights into the relationship between gender and romantic attachment. We examined gender differences in romantic attachment through the analysis of pre-selected linguistic markers of attachment states-of-mind, building on limited previous work in this domain. Overall, the general patterns of language used by men and women discussing their relationships on the r/relationships platform appears to suggest that women may be more prone to preoccupied attachment states, whereas men may be more inclined toward secure attachment states. These findings align, in part, with those from previous research suggesting that women are more prone to preoccupied attachment (Haydon et al., 2014)—and, importantly, extends them into everyday life in the real world. However, our findings run counter to previous research indicating that men are more prone to dismissive attachment (Haydon et al., 2014). While several explanations for such patterns are possible, we suggest that modern, online help-seeking platforms may allow men to behave in ways that contradict the dismissive stereotype, again highlighting the powerful role of stereotypes in in-person relationship help-seeking behavior (as similarly shown when considering cross-cultural differences; (Schmitt, 2003). Nevertheless, it is important to emphasize that we did not possess established measures of attachment style in our study. Moreover, we do not know the extent to which various attachment styles self-selected into the r/relationships platform, potentially skewing the representativeness of our sample.

Limitations and future directions

While the current study comprises a large, real-world sample, it is not a globally representative sample. Given that our data were collected from a single website—albeit one of the most visited websites in the world (Alexa, 2020)—our sample may be biased in ways consistent with its user base, both demographically (e.g., younger, male, American) and psychosocially. It is therefore possible, for example, that the skew toward men and younger people within our sample could simply be a product of the demographic composition of Reddit. Despite such limitations, our sample is large, diverse, and highly international, creating a strong starting and comparison point for future research in this domain.

We also note the tentative nature of our findings pending further exploration in samples with more varied measures. For instance, within our sample, we cannot say whether gender differences were confounded with the current “stage” of relationship problems people were experiencing. Indeed, the choice to seek help online versus professionally is likely shaped by complex interactions between characteristics of the individual, such as gender and age, and characteristics of the relationships, including specific relationship problems and stage of relationship, and the language that partners use to convey and make sense of those problems. While such intricacies are beyond the scope of the current study, future research should aspire to disentangle such complexities.

Regarding our findings involving various gender differences, it is possible that women are more likely to seek relationship help once their relationship problems are at a more severe stage (see, e.g., Ansara & Hindin, 2010), whereas men may be more likely to seek relationship help at a much earlier, less severe stage, for example. Indeed, gender differences in the themes discussed do seem to suggest that men may in fact be seeking support for relatively more casual, early-stage relationship problems compared to women. For example, men more commonly discussed lighter topics stereotypically associated with youth and greater immaturity, such as dating and partying, whereas women spent more time discussing more serious topics, such as abuse and finances. Were there gender differences in the stage of relationship problems for which people were soliciting help, it is possible that this may have at least partially driven our associations found between gender and attachment state. We are unable to determine the presence or absence of such effects within our current sample.

Last, although the present findings provide novel insights into relationship help-seeking in online anonymous contexts, the quality of the help and advice given within these contexts remains unaddressed. Although the anonymous and effortless nature of the online space indeed provides numerous benefits to help-seekers, we do not know whether the advice provided in such settings is of sufficient quality to facilitate healthier relationships. If the advice provided is of poor quality, relationship problems may be exacerbated, contributing to further interpersonal problems. We anticipate further analyses of anonymous, online relationship discussion platforms to determine the quality and subsequent implications of such advice.