Receiving mate poaching attempts decreased the appeal of current partners while increasing the desirability of alternatives

Temptation at your door: Receiving mate poaching attempts and perceived Partners' desirability. Gurit E. Birnbaum. Personal Relationships, July 12 2022. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12433

Abstract: Committed individuals cope with the threat of alternative partners by using strategies that undermine their allure. However, in an era, in which alternative mates lurk around every corner, these strategies may lose their effectiveness. Two studies investigated this possibility, examining how being the target of online mate poaching influenced perceptions of current and alternative partners. In both studies, partnered undergraduate students chatted online with a confederate of the other sex who behaved either flirtatiously or neutrally. Then, participants completed a measure of implicit perception of their partner (Study 1) or described a sexual fantasy (Study 2). The fantasies were coded for expressions of desire for current and alternative partners. Results showed that receiving mate poaching attempts decreased the appeal of current partners while increasing the desirability of alternatives. These findings demonstrate the circumstances that weaken resistance to temptations, pointing to a route by which online interactions may impair relationship functioning.

6 GENERAL DISCUSSION

With offspring dependence on biparental caregiving, both men and women evolved to form long-term pair bonds (Eastwick, 2009 Fletcher et al., 2015) that are commonly intended to be monogamous (Anderson, 2010 Conley et al., 2013). The hegemony of monogamy, however, cannot carry the promise of fidelity. The growing demand for applications that facilitate extradyadic affairs (Finkel et al., 2012 Vossler, 2016) indeed demonstrates that sex is often sought outside of what is considered a committed relationship (e.g., Allen et al., 2005 Blow & Hartnett, 2005). Whereas most prior studies have focused on partner and relationship factors that make both online and offline infidelity more likely (see Fincham & May, 2017; Vossler, 2016, for reviews), the present research turns the spotlight on the characteristics of the alternatives that lessen people's ability to resist their allure.

Two studies show that receiving online mate poaching attempts from attractive poachers (versus engaging in a neutral interaction with them) can render romantically involved individuals more vulnerable to infidelity. Study 1 indicated that being the target of mate poaching led participants to view their current partners in a more negative light and to desire them less, as expressed both implicitly and explicitly. Study 2 replicated these findings and extended them, revealing that being the target of mate poaching not only decreased the appeal of current partners but also increased the desirability of alternative mates. Study 2 also spoke to the process by which active mate poaching attempts might weaken partnered individuals' motivation to defend their current relationship. Specifically, being actively courted by attractive mate poachers apparently interfered with the strategy of devaluation of attractive alternatives, which, in turn, further unleased extradyadic desires, at least as manifested in sexual fantasies.

The internet presents endless opportunities for personal and interpersonal growth, such as connecting people all over the globe and improving access to education. However, with these opportunities come challenges that may impair personal and relationship well-being, such as coping with addiction and distraction. The present research demonstrates the destructive potential of the internet for relationship functioning, showing how temptations in the interpersonal domain jeopardize existing romantic relationships. Past studies have already found that spending time on social media may harm existing relationships, as it offers an easy route to behaviors that often lead to jealousy, dissatisfaction, and even breakups (e.g., communicating with alternative partners and engaging in cybersex; Clayton et al., 2013; McDaniel et al., 2017). The present research adds to these studies by focusing on what it is that makes alternative partners difficult to resist, indicating that good looks in and of itself may not encourage infidelity. Rather, active courting attempts are required in order to penetrate through the shield of relationship maintenance strategies and undermine partnered individuals' ability to resist the allure of alternative mates.

Overall, the present research firms up a causal connection between receiving mate poaching attempts and experiencing extradyadic desires, shedding light on when and how interacting online with attractive strangers provides the extra push needed to pursue short-term pleasures rather than the long-term goal of relationship maintenance. And yet, the present results should be interpreted with a degree of caution as overt behavioral expressions of desire, such as engagement in offline involvement, were not assessed. It is therefore unclear whether the effect of receiving mate poaching attempts on the desire for current and alternative partners would translate into actual behavior. To be sure, partnered individuals who interact online with strangers and fantasize about them do not necessarily wish to act out their fantasies, either because it is too risky (e.g., Critelli & Bivona, 2008) or because fantasizing is rewarding in and of itself (Birnbaum, Kanat-Maymon, et al., 2019).

Another limitation of the present research is that it involved brief interactions in an artificial laboratory setting. Thus, it is unclear whether the effect of mate poaching on extradyadic desires would apply in complex natural settings, which make the potential costs of infidelity more difficult to handle. Furthermore, although Study 2 indicates the process by which mate poaching influences the desire for alternatives, it cannot tell whether mate poaching renders poachers more desirable because they seem bold or because targets of poaching like those who make them feel valued. It would be therefore revealing to explore whether the effect of mate poaching on the desirability of the poacher would be observed when an unattractive (rather than an attractive) poacher flirts with participants, possibly making them feel less valued, compared to a condition in which participants receive mate poaching attempts from an attractive poacher. On the whole, more research is needed to explore the long-term outcomes of online mate poaching in more natural settings, examining whether and why it is effective in motivating the targets to form relationships with poachers in the real world.

Notwithstanding these caveats, the present research demonstrates the circumstances that weaken resistance to temptations of alternative partners, pointing to a route by which online interactions may diminish relationship well-being and lead to offline affairs. In doing so, the findings underscore the need to identify couples who are especially susceptible to temptations of attractive alternatives so that they may receive appropriate counseling. Such counseling should focus on the enhancement of appetitive processes, which have proven effective in instigating sexual desire between partners and helping them prioritize the goal of relationship maintenance (e.g., provision of responsiveness and making one's partner feel special; Birnbaum, 2018; Birnbaum et al., 2016, 2021).